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jennydoeswriting

Crossdressing fiction

Men’s night

Thursday rolled round again and to get the weekend started this meant: Men’s night! My husband is a good provider for our family, steady and secure mostly loving and caring but maybe slightly on the boring side.

Thursday provides him with an opportunity to unwind with the boys and me with some time away from him. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband but being around him all the time can be a bit tedious. The kids keep me busy all day so it’s good to have a break and just do some girls’ stuff. My friend Jenny knows he is normally out on a Thursday and she is normally not loathe to seize the opportunity to make a girl’s night of it. I wonder if she’ll phone?

My husband Jake helped me put the kids to bed early, their complaints falling on deaf ears, neither of us willing to forego an evening away from them. They are lovely obedient children and we love them to bits but every good parent needs a break to stay a good parent.

Jake gave me a good wholehearted kiss and then he was off. I watched the tail lights go past the window and through the gate. The gate closed  and the car disappeared into the distance. Oh what to do, maybe read a bit? No maybe do some of that crocheting he so loathes when he’s around? No… no, too boring. What about a good soak in the tub with a book or a magazine? Some female company would be great though…

“Ring ring!” Ah the phone, I hope it is…

“Jenny! How are you? I was just thinking about you! You’re In the neighbourhood? Oh, it would be such a treat to have you round! I’ll see you in five minutes then. Bye!”

I stood in anticipation at the window as the headlights pulled into the driveway. Quickly I opened the gate and Jenny’s little car drove in with the gate slamming shut behind her.

“Jenny! So good to see you!”

With boundless excitement I threw my arms around my friend to welcome her in.

“How long’s it been? Two weeks! Can’t be, it felt so long!”

She was  wearing a simple raincoat with flats and her hair seemed to be a bit of a mess. She carried a big bag under her arm.

We entered the house as I offered to make her some tea.

“Oh, that would be great, haven’t had any since my last visit. It’s so good to see you Lidia. I so wanted to come last week but the others threatened to find a replacement if I excused myself one more time!”

Quickly I closed the passage door to the kids bedrooms and turned the lock. They’ll make their presence felt if they needed assistance, and we’ll have the lounge area all to ourselves without some very sleepy, yet very inquisitive eyes snooping around.

As I brought the tray of refreshments back, Jenny had taken the liberty of stripping  down to her very formidable underwear in the guest bedroom. She was checking her bouncy hair in the mirror as I placed the tray on the dresser.

“Are you still wearing that granny underwear?” I teased.

“Unfortunately I’m not blessed with a naturally shapely figure like yours my dear.” She responded. She was off course right, though I would leave it unsaid.

Jenny liked to play dress up. At first I thought it to be quite weird but since we both had kids and got very little opportunity to dress up for a fancy do anymore, it became fun to dress up at home even if it was just to watch a movie. For those moments the TV room would be transformed into an opulent theater and we’d be the glamorous royal guests of honour sitting in the best seats in the house. It was great fun.

Jenny handed me a package with a beaming smile:

“This is for you!”

I could hardly contain my excitement as I ripped the package apart and the soft material cascaded down to the floor. It was an exquisite slinky dress with an open back that would almost reach to that other cleavage! Almost, but not quite.

“Jenny you shouldn’t have!”

Jenny had excellent taste and knew what would suit my figure well. I was very excited as I bounded  down the hall to my cupboard and pulled out the appropriate underwear from my drawer. That new low back bra would come in handy! Armed with the right shoes to boot, I hurried back to the guest room where Jenny had managed to squeeze into her attire for the evening already.

“Zip me up please!” She requested as I pulled in.

Jenny, as per usual, was wearing a very dramatic dress with long sleeves that covered most  of her slender body. I suppose she needed it to hide all that underwear! The waspie I noticed earlier doing a great job at giving her a feminine waistline. She looked quite elegant and had little trouble in negotiating the towering heels she had donned.

As I tried to catch up dressing Jenny did her make-up and I noticed her practiced hand. Neither of us were too fussy preferring a natural understated look.

We were off to the lounge and the carpet became our runway as we transformed into glitzy supermodels. We took turns to strut our stuff as we tried on some of the other things Jenny had brought with. Finally we reverted to our original gowns and sat down on the couch exhausted by now.

Hoping that Jenny would come round I had rented “Message in a bottle” a tear-jerker of note.

“Oh yes!” she exclaimed as the VIP’s moved to the theater.

Two hours later I noticed a tear running down her cheek.

“You’re such a softy!” I exclaimed.

She looked at me as I noticed a sadness in her eyes.

“Look at the time!” she exclaimed as she teetered as quickly as she could on her heels to the guest room where she ripped off her dress and put the simple clothes she came with, back on.

As she ran through the door she shouted:

“Chances are I’m going to be kicked out the group, then we can do this every week if you’re game.”

She was out the gate in a flash before Jake came home.

The phone rang again. It was Jake. He’d be home in five minutes.

“So, what did you get up to?” Jake inquired.

“Jenny came round. We dressed up.”

“Sounds like fun, maybe I should have stayed!”

“We watched Message in a bottle.”

“Ugh… Glad I left!”

That night as my husband snuggled in behind my back, I thought about my friendship with Jenny. At first I was very apprehensive. Why would this weird acquaintance from Jake’s work be interested in friendship with me? But she was quite persistent as I initially tried to put her off. In time though our relationship grew to be something akin to best friends. I loved her zest, her spark, her impulsiveness. Her live for the moment attitude and her enjoy the unadulterated indulgence motto. I wished we could meet up more often…

My thoughts turned to my husband. It was good to have his presence back in the home. To feel his strength and hear his steady breathing. I flayed myself into his embrace. I loved his calm demeanour, his steadying reasoned approach to life and the way he seemed to adore everything about me. Maybe he is not that boring after all…

The Sadness (an intro)

Awake again the infinite sadness envelopes me. Like an oversize blanket it folds itself around the extremities of my being. I listen to my wife’s steady breathing. The breathing of someone at peace with themselves. At peace with their life. At peace with God. A peace that overcomes. A peace that settles. A peace that supersedes the sadness. Sadness… The preserve of those at war with themselves. At war with their life. At war with the very God that gave them this life. A war that leads to insomnia and the need. The need, a gut wrenching turmoil of thoughts and feelings that leads to insomnia. That leads to war. That leads to sadness. No peace, no sleep, only sadness.

My wife, a hunter, a relentless pursuing tiger when she’s awake sleeps peacefully. Me, the easy prey, the weak victim lying awake. I am broken, though my tiger did not touch me. Torn to pieces yet my tiger did not pursue me. In a bloody heap on the floor yet my tiger did not devour me. It did… The sadness. Meticulously tearing me limb from limb, I let it. I always let it. Weak, too weak to fight it. Too weak against the onslaught of the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days the weeks the months and finally, the years…

All about Mia

“Why do you like her?”

“Huh?”

“I said, why do you like her?”

“What are you talking about?”

“The girl that just left, in the turquoise top, why do you like her?”

“How can you tell?”

“I’m a bar lady, I notice things. Or maybe I’m just bored. I don’t know but your face always seem to light up when she enters and sags back as you watch her leave. That got me thinking: Are you a stalker?”

“Well since you seem to know more about me than I do myself, you answer it: Do I look like a stalker?”

“No you don’t, besides, if you were, you wouldn’t still be sitting here, would you? You haven’t answered my question yet, I can see that you like her but let’s be honest, both of us have seen her waltz out the door enamoured with more than one guy. Now, why would a sweet little tranny like yourself be interested in a, how to put this delicately, loose girl like her?”

“Humphh.”

“I mean, why don’t you try coming here in boy mode once, maybe she’d be interested then? She certainly doesn’t seem to discourage advances, who knows, it might be your lucky night. But then, I’ve never seen you leave here with anyone, and you only ever have eyes for her, which tells me you’re not gay… are you?”

“It’s complicated… and screwed up. Besides I don’t sleep around. I’m conservative.”

“A conservative tranny? Now that is screwed up! A conservative tranny in love with a promiscuous girl? Wait, let me get the phone, Jerry Springer needs to hear this!”

“Tell me about it…”

“No, please, it’s a slow night, feel free to tell ME about it. Why is it complicated?”

“Oh well, here goes. Yes, I do like her. I don’t want to come here in boy mode and try pick her up for a one-nighter, I like her more than that. Besides, what if she rejected me, I’ve seen more guys strike out with her. That could be the end of it, just like that. Or maybe she’d recognize me, and run for the hills. I can also tell she’s definitely not into girls, or bisexual, so approaching her like this is also a sure-fire no-no. But I also don’t want to deceive her, I’m a boy, but also a girl sometimes. I don’t know what to do.”

“In the meantime you’re losing out on something that could be great, that is if you could cure her wandering.”

“I suppose so, but isn’t having something better than having nothing?”

“Sweetie trust me, you HAVE nothing right now.”

“But she’s not shown any interest in me, ever.”

“That’s because you haven’t shown her anything to be interested in. Showing a girl what clothes you like to wear is no way to her heart. Maybe if she could see your heart, the clothes wouldn’t matter.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“And I still don’t see how you could possibly like her.”

******

“So, what’s your story?”

Alvin whipped round at the sound of the sweet, singy voice behind him.

“Whaaat?”

Caught by surprise, he was at a loss for words, completely not how he pictured this happening…

“Well, before I dispatch anyone to the “Pervert” list, I like to know what their story is.”

The alarm bells went off in his head. He’d seen her enter, but thought it’d be like all the other times where he’d go home frustrated after seeing her leave.

“I’m not a perv…”

But then his eye caught hold of the lacy hem of his dress sitting neatly two inches above his panty hosed knees. He was stepping right into this!

“You just pencilled in your name.” she proceeded.

How could he fix this? By now an unknown man had joined her. She spoke again as he was too perplexed to speak out.

“While you’re looking for your tongue, could you please scoot over in the meantime? You seem to be taking up three chairs.” She pointed to the open chairs either side of Alvin.

Flabbergasted at her forwardness Alvin leapt out of his chair catching his leg on the end of the bar, promptly ripping a run in his pantyhose.

“Ooh that’s no good, bursting out all over the place are we?”

She sat down with her company and proceeded to ignore him in favour of the man in the dark grey suit. This was wrong, all wrong! What could he do? Demurely, he looked down at his lap, as he tried to gather his thoughts on how to rescue this dire situation. In his troubled eyes his scarlet dress seemed to reflect his heart by changing shade, from shame to irritation, from outright outrage to unadulterated passion for this girl, now happily chatting away to her preferred company. He did not know what to make of it though when the dress turned burgundy. He stuck out his hand to touch it, to somehow try and fathom what this change of shade in his minds’ eye could mean. Then he noticed it not disappearing behind the mound as it normally would. Only one mound! He’d thought he’d stock up on what was on public display first, and then fill in the hidden gaps later, but he knew he’d been caught out. His feet sloshed in his stilettos as he ran for the bathroom door, but he could still hear her (sweet) voice in the background:

“Ooohh honey, you just went to the top of the list.”

“And you’re a slut.” he could feel his lips forming the words, yet he was not sure they actually left his mouth.

Alvin cleaned up as best he could. He thought to himself what a right royal mess this had turned out to be. Drying out his dress and shoes seemed the least of his problems. Like his mom always said: It would be funny, if it wasn’t so tragic. Satisfied that it would suffice to get him home, he dragged himself out the bathroom door, knowing that he’d probably have to cop some more flak. She was still at the bar, but her company seemed to have made a break for it. The fire in her eyes told him that he more than lipped the words.

“Oh… she’s back, do we need to put her in dia…”

It was only then that she noticed Alvin’s decidedly flat chest on the one side. Instinctively, and unthinkingly, she stuck out a hand and pinched the other. Somehow the remaining water filled balloon survived the scrutiny, sparing him further embarrassment. She turned away from him and sat back down on her chair, none more was spoken. Quietly Alvin gathered up his things, pulled on his coat and muttered a farewell to the sympathetic looking bar lady. All he wanted to do was get out of there, never in his worst nightmares had he imagined things going this wrong.

******

Mia met Steven in her final year of varsity. Steven was a quintessential,  and very attractive, jock who enjoyed the usual pursuits of a young male:  sports, hunting, drinking and chasing girls with his testosterone infused buddies. Friends initially, a softer side of him opened up to her once she got past the hard exterior he portrayed to the world. They grew closer as time passed and continued dating after entering the rigours of the working world. One day he got down on one knee, proposed and she gladly accepted, safe in the knowledge that this was “The one”.  The date was set and her life was perfect. A dream husband with a good steady job who loved and adored her, what more could she ask for?

Mia was finishing off her post-graduate studies part-time whilst working as a shop assistant in a Victoria’s secret store to foot the bills. One day a stocky crossdresser came in and innocently  asked to be fitted for a bra. Her conservative upbringing came to the fore as she chased him out the door. Looking around she was flabbergasted to find the store manager frowning down upon her with a finger also pointed towards the door. She grabbed her stuff and with a “What is this world coming to?” she was gone. Good riddance she thought, her graduation wasn’t too far off and then she’d pursue the career she’d always dreamed of. In the mean time, she’d rather flip burgers than deal with perverts like that. For now, she thought she’d surprise Steven who was working from home on a big project.

Mia snuck in the back door of Steven’s place and made her way to the living room where he always worked on his laptop. She heard him speak:

“Yes mommy.”

Mia was befuddled, Steven never called his mom that, so she paused in the hallway. A creaky voice sounded from the laptop:

“Mommy will clean you now now!”

“Ooh…  yes mommy!” Steven sounded as if he could hardly contain his excitement. Mia could no longer contain her disdain and leapt round the corner. Naked, but for an oversized nappy, Steven was lying on his back, draining a sizeable baby bottle.

Mia moved on from Steven quickly. Despite her background, she was always open for suggestions in the bedroom, but this was maybe a bridge too far for her. Besides, since her heel cut a nasty gash across his cheek, Steven really wasn’t that attractive any more. Disillusioned by her own naivety, Mia swore to avoid any and all perverts, and became quite cynical about it. She started to frequent a nice bar in close proximity to where she lived, and found that she wasn’t all that conservative any more.  Would she ever let an upstanding man into her heart again? Only time would tell.

******

Mia had one last look in the mirror after brushing her teeth. She looked herself in the eye. Could it really be true? The bar ladies’ words still rung in her ears after her complaint:

“He called me a slut!”

“Don’t you think you provoked him  enough? You called him a pervert for dressing like a girl, yet I’ve seen you walk outta’ here knackered with more than a couple of guys? You think that makes you any better?”

Could she really be that hypocritical? “Oh well …” she thought as she drew the covers over her nose: “… bygones.” Still, she could not put the expression on his face after she pinched his “breast” aside as she lay in bed sleepless. There was real hurt there and no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise, she knew she had crossed the line. Okay, okay I will apologise next time I see him she thought as she drifted off.

******

Alvin took a while to get over the events of that fateful night. He never wanted to go back there again. Yet, there wasn’t too much alternatives for a guy of his inclination in this town, they had always welcomed him there, and he seemed to have a rapport with the bar lady. So after containing it for two weeks the urge to dress overcame him again, and he decided to head back to his old joint. If he saw her again, he would just ignore her and he was sure she would probably extend him the same courtesy. If she didn’t, well then though it would pain him, she would be fair game. He decided to put on a simple black skirt with a colourful form hugging top and put some extra effort into his make-up. If he was to go down in flames at least he wanted to look good doing so.

Alvin was a bit overcome as she approached him on entering the bar.

“I just wanted to…”

“…come  heap some more woe on me?” he completed her sentence.

She seemed momentarily stunned, regained her composure, turned and took a couple of strides before stopping and completing her sentence.

“… apologize.” and she walked off.

Realizing he spoke too son, Alvin wanted to bite his tongue but the damage had been done. They avoided each other for the rest of that evening but the battle lines had been drawn.

******

Mia met up with an old friend from school at a coffee shop one morning. Mia met Wanda through Steven and they struck it off immediately. In time they became something akin to best friends, their relationship even surviving the break-up with Steven.

Wanda was a very athletic specimen and liked nothing more than to compete with and beat the boys at their own games. Mia enjoyed Wanda’s company because she had none of the pretence some of the other girls seemed to have. What you saw was what you got with Wanda.

Mia could see Wanda was not her usual self, she seemed a bit shaky. Mia chatted away amicably but she noticed the conversation drying up from Wanda’s side.

“What’s  wrong Wanda? Did I say something wrong?”

“No, not at all.” came the reassurance, but Mia could still sense that something was up. So she decided to push on when the conversation was still meted.

“Wanda, please tell me what’s wrong? I’ve known you long enough to know that something’s up. You know I will gladly listen and help wherever I can. We’ve been friends for a long time and I think you owe me some trust.”

Wanda bit her lip, looked down at her lap and then promptly broke down crying. Mia had never seen Wanda in something approximating this vulnerable state. She always seemed so strong.

“I have a confession to make…” Wanda spoke.

“Please Wanda, you know you can trust me.”

Wanda looked up from her hands, locked her gaze with Mia’s and spoke uncertainly:

“Mia, I want to be a man. I am transsexual…”

Mia thought she could handle anything, but this hit her like a ton of bricks. Sure, Wanda was never like the other girly girls, but she was never manly. She even managed to pull off wearing some very shapely dresses on occasion, though she never seemed comfortable in doing so. Wanda took the opportunity to tell all since the floodgates had been opened. Mia was the quiet one now as she tried to absorb the torrent of emotion flowing freely from her friend.

When a break eventually came  Mia spoke up:

“I’m sorry Wanda, but this is all just too much for me to digest. I have to go, I’ll call you.” With that Mia got up and walked out. She felt bad just leaving her friend up in the air like that, but she could handle no more.

A couple of days later Mia worked up the courage to phone her friend.

“Wanda, I’m so sorry I walked out on you like that. It was inexcusable.”

“It’s okay Mia, I’m sorry for dumping so much on you all at once.”

“Wanda I can understand that you’ve been through a lot to have arrived at this point. I know this kind of thing doesn’t happen overnight, and that you’ve probably been through a lot. But… But I would just like to know why? Why do you want to be a man? Why are people like this? I mean  I saw this poor sod in a dress at the pub the other night pretending to be a girl. Why do you do this? Why does he do what he does? Please don’t get me wrong, I am trying my level best to understand this. At the fear of sounding judgmental, this is strange behaviour you know!”

“Mia if I could give you the answer to your questions, it would solve most transgender folks’ problems. Nobody really knows why. No clever psychiatrist, scholar or clergymen truly has an explanation. And those affected certainly has no explanation either, they just try to find a way to deal with it. I try to deal with it on a daily basis, and I can tell you this much: It is hard…”

Wanda paused for a while then continued:

“Will you still be my friend Mia? I know it will be tough on you as well but…”

“Wanda I would not be much of a friend if I rejected you in your hour of need would I? Yes, I will still be your friend, but let’s take it day by day. I am trying to come to terms with this as well, so I can’t promise anything.”

“That’s all I can ask for.”

“So how is Steven doing.” Mia asked matter-of-factly.

“You know him, he’ll never grow up.” Wanda responded.

Mia could not help but smile at the thought. When she broke up with him, she never thought it was necessary to tell anyone why.

******

A couple of days later Mia felt like some familiar company, so she phoned Wanda and asked her to accompany her to the pub. She knew that there was always a chance her weirdo “friend” could be there, but decided to go there anyway. She felt maybe just a little bit spiteful  (towards the weirdo). Besides, she always enjoyed the atmosphere there, so she decided she would not be done out of it for fear of running into that clown. “She” was there alright, dressed smartly as per usual, but both of them managed to avoid each other for the better part of the evening. Mia was gone for a while as she took an important phone call outside and then stopped at the ladies’ on her way back. She thought to herself she would have chased him right out of there if he was in there. Mia scouted the pub for her friend as she walked out of the restroom. “No!”, she thought as she noticed her friend sitting right next to her nemesis happily chatting away. “I leave her alone for half an hour and she gravitates to the one person I’m trying to avoid”. Steeling herself for another confrontation she walked over. Her resolve seemed to harden with every step.

“Wanda, I see you’ve met up with my favourite little sissy, whatsisname…”

An icy silence followed. Wanda seemed genuinely embarrassed. She managed to pull herself together.

“This is Alvin or I suppose Alvin… nah tonight? And this is my friend Mia.”

“Hi, we’ve met. Well, sort of .” came the neutral reply from Alvin.

There was a lot of standing, staring into space and very little by way of conversation. Nobody really had anything to say. Eventually Wanda spoke up.

“Alvin… nah it was really nice meeting you. I enjoyed our conversation and I hope I will see you here again. Mia, I have an early start tomorrow so maybe it’s best to head home. Bye Alvinnah.”

Mia didn’t need too much convincing as her friend pulled her towards the door.

“Bye!” somehow she managed to check her tongue from adding “pervert”.

The friends sat in the silence of the car on the way home. Mia was oblivious as her friend spoke up:

“Don’t you realise that you insult me as well when you insulted him like that?”

“What? As far as I know you have a genuine condition called transexuality. You’re a man born into a woman’s body. He just has a perverted fetish of running around in women’s clothes and that in public no less!”

“Mia did you bother to have a look at my clothes tonight?”

“No I didn’t. I’m used to seeing you in jeans and a top, so what?”

“It is not a top. Have a look at the overlap. It’s a shirt, not a blouse. I bought my first pair of men’s slacks yesterday, I just didn’t have the guts to wear them out with you tonight. So, technically speaking I’m a perverted fetishist then as well.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“You have to realise it is a lot harder for a guy to wear woman’s attire in public and get away with it. Also, he is not a “sissy”. If you bothered to actually give him the time of day, you would have learned that he is just a crossdresser and therefore a lot less advanced on the transgender scale than myself, the person you purport to being friends with despite my “perversion”. Pretty soon the effects of the hormones will start to show as well, what then? Will you toss me out with the other “perverts”  as well?”

Mia took a couple of moments to digest what Wanda said. Wanda was right, she had to admit, but something spurned up in her so she had one last go.

“You two seemed quite enamoured with each other. Why don’t you two get hitched, then you can be the man and he/she can be the wife! You can be the perfect couple!” Mia’s voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Wanda tried to keep her cool as she replied:

“You are right Mia, I do find Alvinnah cute. There is only one… no two  problems with your take though.”

“Please don’t keep me in suspense any longer Wanda, or should I start calling you Wade?” came the reply.

“Well first off,  Alvin is not transsexual.”

“So what does that mean? Transsexual…Transgender, potato potatoe, tomato tomatoe…”

“It means he is happy to be a guy, you know a man most of the time. Alvinnah just gets a look-in every now and again when his masculine wheels come off.”

“You see: pervert! Jumping back and forth between genders like that. It’s not right. Make up your mind already. So what is the other reason, you are not man enough for him?”

“He’s not into me.”

“Oh… so he likes “real” men then? Or is he a lesbian?” Mia spat the words out.

“No Mia, he likes you.”

******

Alvin was still rooted to the bar. Somehow he could not garner the strength to stand up and go home. The situation was hopeless and it crippled him. Was he some weird form of masochist that liked to come back for more pain? No, he didn’t like the way she treated him, but he could not help but feel that it was just a facade, something borne out of pain suffered in her own life. But how could he break through the barrier and touch her heart? Did she even have a heart? She did her level best to disprove that theory on a regular basis.

“Tsk Tsk Tsk… what a sad lot you three are…”

It was the unmistakable voice of his favourite bar lady.

“Tell me about it.”

“You must be a sucker for punishment. Why you just seem to fall for that skinny bitch more and more, is beyond me. Get a grip man.”

“You’re right, as always.”

“You know that her friend is totally into you though?”

“I didn’t notice.”

The bar lady sat a mug of beer down in front of him.

“I don’t like beer.” came the reply from Alvin.

“It’s not a beer. I’m buying you a draft, because you’re so daft.” Alvin could not help but smile at the lame look on her face.

“Maybe you didn’t notice, since she sat herself down quietly next to you, but when her friend ran out to take a call she could not make her way over to you fast enough. She may not be the looker that her friend is, but she seems an awful lot nicer. What is it with you men that you will put up with almost anything as long as you can be seen next to a pretty girl?”

Alvin finished of the draft a lot quicker than he expected and promptly ordered another. The bar lady continued:

“If anything your “girlfriend” seemed to be more into her friend than you. Some weird form of musical chairs that you lot are playing. Each in love with the next. Why don’t you change the order up and go for what’s her name again… ahh Wanda!”

“You know that despite this..” and Alvin pointed at his clothes “…I’m still into girls right?”

“I’ve gathered that.”

“Kerry, soon enough Wanda will go by the name of Waldo. Here’s YOUR draft.” With that he promptly stood up, slid the untouched mug back towards her and walked out the door.

Alvin stood in front of the mirror, Kerry’s word’s hounded him: “Maybe if she could see your heart, the clothes wouldn’t matter.” How could he make her see his heart? Could he somehow fashion an opportunity to break through to her? It was hopeless, she would never give him the time of day, let alone agree to anything. The phone ringing pulled him out of his discourse.

“Hello.”

“Hi. How are you doing?” the familiar voice at the end of the line beamed.

“I’m doing okay sis, what have you been up to?”

“It’s what I’m getting up to! I’ll be in town next week, mind if I stay over?”

“You know you’re always welcome here. I can do with some company.”

“Glad to hear that…”

They made some practical arrangements and hung up. They’d have plenty time to talk when she arrived. Alvin looked forward to it, ever since growing up they’ve gotten along well, and it would be nice to have some friendly female company for a change.

The next week Alvin picked his big sister up from the airport. The very next day she was insistent he take her to the park. She lived up north, an area known for its foul weather,  so she wanted to make use of the brilliant sunshine to be had and catch some rays. Alvin took the day off, they packed a picnic bag and had the most fun he’d had for a long time just missioning about the park like the crazy kids they once were. Eventually tiring from the exertion, they collapsed down on a blanket and engaged in some light hearted conversation.

“So, how’s it going with the girls? My little brother still a heartbreaker?”

“You know very well I’ve never been a heartbreaker.”

“I still hold out hope though.”

“That I become a heartbreaker?”

“That you find someone special, dimwit”

“Airhead!”

“We certainly are sounding immensely grown up today…”

“You bring out the best in me.”

Leila all of a sudden got a serious look in her eye. He knew his sister well enough to know not to continue teasing her, call it experience.

“Alvin you know that I’ve forgiven you a long time ago, right?”

“Yes sis’, I know.”

“Have you managed to forgive yourself though?”

“I’m getting there.”

“Alvin, it is imperative that you forgive yourself.”

“Such big words.”

“Stop skirting the issue. Say it. Do it right now!”

“Say what?”

“Stop playing stupid games. Say it. Say you forgive yourself.”

“You forgive yourself.”

“Alvin!”

“Okay! Okay! I forgive myself.”

“Look me in the eye Alvin. Now say it like you really mean it: I forgive myself for what happened to my sister.”

Alvin pulled his eyes off his shoes, tearfully looked his sister in the eyes and managed to mouth the words. After a while of sacred silence Leila ventured to speak up:

“So there’s no girl?”

“There is. Well sort of. But she will have nothing to do with me.”

“So things really haven’t changed since we were kids.” Leila left it at that, knowing that her little brother would own up spontaneously when the time came.

******

That evening they ordered out and decided to just spend a quiet evening at home.  The evening offered the usual light hearted banter between siblings but took a funny direction toward the end.

“You know that I love you right, Alvin?’

“I’ve gathered that.”

“And you won’t mind if I’m being brutally honest with you?”

“You’re always brutal. What’s this about?” he couldn’t help having a dig at her but was curious. It gave her the strength to push through.

“So you won’t mind if I tell you that I’ve grown weary of you.”

“What?”

“I’ve grown weary of you.”

“What on earth are you on about?”

“I want to see my little sister.”

“Huh!?”

“I want to see her! You know, from way back when. I demand to see her.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“C’mon on Alvin, I know she’s still there.”

You could cut the silence with a knife.

“You went through my stuff, didn’t you?” came the icy reply.

“Yes Alvin, I had to know.”

“How could you?”

“Alvin, I miss her. I miss my little sister. I want to see her. I want to go out with her. I know, you’ll get pomped up and we’ll go out tomorrow night!”

“No!”

“It’s decided then. We are going out.”

“No way!”

“We’re going out! I’m the oldest. Besides, didn’t your mother teach you to be accommodating to your guest’s needs?”

“Leila, you’re acting childish. And don’t bring mom into this, she definitely won’t approve of me going out as a girl.”

“Well at least the shoe is on the other foot for a change. It’s settled then: the sister’s are a goin’ out!”

“Why do you always get the better of me?”

“Because I’m so sweet.” she flashed him her best smile whilst batting her eyelids.

“I’m not your husband, that’ll not work on me.” he sounded determined.

“Well then, you know it’s not polite to say no to a person in a wheelchair right?”

“I can’t believe you’re this conniving.”

“Hey, I’m just using all the weapons at my disposal. What’s wrong with that? So we’re on then?”

“I’m afraid you already knew the answer.” His resolve melted.

“See, it worked after all.”  as she gave him a hug.

******

Alvin decided to take the “safe” bet and go to his usual haunt. He was sure SHE would at least respect that he had company and leave him alone. Besides, the longing was still there and though he knew it would be best to make a clean break, he would like to see her one last time. Why did it pain him so, yet he was still powerless to put a stop to it?

As usual Alvin and Wanda… err Waldo gravitated towards each other. They’d grown fond of each other, happy in the knowledge that they’d never be more than friends. Mia was off on her own as per usual and Leila was happy to indulge in their boyish banter.

“Why did you go for Waldo? Wouldn’t something like Wade be cooler?” Alvin enquired.

“It seemed more appropriate, seeing as I’m trying to find myself.” Waldo grinned.

“Touche!”

“I even managed some facial hair growth. Didn’t you notice?”

“Let me have a closer look. Uhmm… Why yes! One… two… three! They seem very delicate though. Did you comb them?” Alvin enquired.

“What are those? Why do they sit so high? Your face also seem to be melting. Uh-oh definitely more than three stubbles showing there!” Waldo countered poking Alvin in the chest.

“Okay! Okay! I did a poor job tonight, my sister kept rushing me saying: For the life of me I can’t figure out why you take more than two hours to dress up! Hurry up, I don’t want to spend the whole evening watching you admire yourself in the mirror!” Alvin made up a high-pitched effeminate voice to the detriment of his sister.

“Concerning hips, you could have mine, since I won’t be needing them anymore. Not that I ever had proper hips but you could have them just the same.”

“Well you can’t have my beard. Reminds me I’m still a guy. But I’ll take them hips for sure…”

Mia appeared out of nowhere but refrained from jumping at the chance like she normally would. Alvin looked at her with some apprehension. He’d hoped to avoid her verbal onslaught tonight in the light of his sisters presence. He feared the worst would spew forth any moment now.

“Hi Alvin… nah. Your girlfriend seems a nice lady and I’m sorry I judged you on face value before. Would you please forgive me? Can we please start over?” came a softly spoken, but evidently heartfelt, response from Mia.

“I would like that, and please forgive my behaviour as well. This is my sister Leila, Leila this is Mia.” Alvin introduced them before Mia spoke up again.

“Nice to meet you Leila. I saw you in the park yesterday. I didn’t recognise your company at the time, but thought he was sweet.”

There’s always the window

The lure of the window like never ‘

delicate delicacies on display thru’ that window

that sweet sweet smell as ever

nose flat, eyes strained, hands cupped together

girl skips past, instinctive’ I follow

door opens, she enters, I swallow

grabbing at the door it shuts as ever

pitifully I wallow

my intestines cramped forever

I don’t feel so clever

the window is my friend, I hate that window

can I pull myself together and steer clear of that window?

The pain of being TG?

Sometimes being TG really isn’t about the perceived glamour. It is about the pain and trying to ease it by squeezing in a quick dress session when you only have half an hour no razor and no make-up. People don’t understand that. They think you can just give it up. This is my painful response:

As I awoke from a deep slumber one day I thought to myself: This issueless life is getting pretty stale. So my mind wandered and lead to me pulling out a list of possible psychological conditions, you know to spice things up! My heart leapt as I noticed one hidden among the (manic) Depressive’s, the ADHD’s, the OCD’s and a plethora of other syndromes and disorders which for some or other inexplicable reason, none seemed to appeal to me. So it happened I (merrily) decided to give being transgender a go since compared to most, it sounded like a hoot! What the list failed to mention was that in stark contrast to pretty much everything else on that (damn) list, this one does not garner a lot of sympathy. None at all to be sure. But by then I was kind of stuck with it though since the “Psychological Condition Shop” does not make exchanges, do refunds and they sure as hell don’t take anything back from anyone. So, since no-one regards this a “genuine condition” (and most seem to only regard it a perversion), the question was:

“Why don’t you just stop? Give it up. I mean, it’s a choice after all.”

Yes, very much the same way a (manic) depressive can choose to not be depressed, I suppose. Look at that (normal) guy over there, yesterday he chose to not be autistic anymore…

Well, for what it’s worth, I did (quit)… Once… For seven years.

“And?”

If I were less of a coward, I wouldn’t have lived to tell of it.

“So why don’t you do it (quit) again?”

I am more courageous now.

The Bearable Likeness of Ben

“Whatcha doing?”

Ben was lying under his favourite tree in the woods adjoining his parents house. He lazily lifted one eyelid first, the other followed suit rather abruptly. Seven year old Ben had grown tired of running after his, decidedly more physical, older brother especially early today.

Intense eyes stared at him from a freckled face framed with bangs of curly blonde hair. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, a vision clad in wafts of pink frills and lace.

“I just came from a party, would you like some sweets?” She held out a brown paper bag to him.

And useful too, he thought as he clumsily fumbled in the bag.

“My name’s Linda. What’s yours?”

“Ben.” He managed to pry it out despite his tongue being stuck to the top of his mouth.

“Do you wanna come with me?” She asked.

Ben instinctively knew he would follow her anywhere but was too overwhelmed to say anything, so he just stood up. She took this as her cue and headed directly for the deserted old warehouse behind the woods. The whole place had been nailed shut years before but she’d somehow managed to pry an opening, so they both squeezed through. The place was dusty and dirty from years of neglect but it was her paradise and playpen. As they got to the remnant of an office, Ben could see that she’d obviously spent many hours there. The place was relatively clean with a table set in the middle, some dilapidated chairs and a neatly decked tea set forming the centrepiece. A well worn Teddy bear was sitting in one of the chairs.

“Mr. Wiggles, we have some company today!” She said.

Mr Wiggles was unequivocally (not to mention unceremoniously) demoted to a smaller chair in the corner, from where he would have to observe proceedings, from now on.

“Do sit down.” Pointing at the chair forcibly vacated by Mr. Wiggles, she spoke like she’d heard her mom speak when she had guests.

Ben almost fell over as he stumbled into the chair vacated by Mr. Wiggles. Somehow he could not pull his eyes off his captor.

“It’s so nice having you round Ben. Can I pour you some tea?”

“Uhh yes… please.” Somehow he managed the polite response drilled into him.

She handed him his cup and he awkwardly pretended to drink from it. Her voice droned on but he had no clue what she was saying. Yet, he knew he could sit there for hours without the slightest sign of boredom. What was it about her that captivated him so?

After a while she noticed she’d hardly gotten a response from him, yet he hadn’t budged an inch from his chair. She noticed his eyes alternating between her face and her dress, face and dress…

“Do you like it?” she enquired.

“Huhh?”

“Do you like my dress?”

Ben nearly fell of his chair.

“No! … No!” he stammered but he failed to avert his eyes.

“It’s okay Ben. I mean, it’s okay to like my dress. My dad also says it’s lovely, so it’s okay.”

Ben could not be moved as he sat frozen in his spot. Okay! What? A dress… lovely? … Never! A million thoughts ran through his head and he panicked at all of them. He knew he had to get out of there and fast. Slowly life crept back into his legs and he jumped up.

“Bye!” was all he could manage. He only heard one more thing as he ran out the door.

“Going so soon? Do come visit again!” She could emulate her mother all day.

The next couple of days Ben tried his level best to keep up with the other boys. Trying desperately to somehow erase the memory of that fateful day. Eventually he grew weary and found himself lying under his favourite tree again. He could not stop thinking about her. Somehow he missed that silly little girl! Could it be? He wondered what she was up to… Could she still be playing in the old warehouse? Maybe he could sneak in quietly and have a look round the corner without her noticing. What if she saw me, he thought to himself? Would that really be such a bad thing? He had to admit that he was intrigued, which went against his normal feelings of girls being ghastly creatures. How could this be? Hmm… maybe he could pull this off. Yes, he would try that…

******

Ben eventually managed to pry his eyes off the back of the girl sitting at the table, turned on his heels as quietly as he could and started sneaking towards the secret entrance.

“Ben? Is that you?”

Panic gripped him like a vice and nailed him down in his spot. He could not manage to move one inch. A white organza haze floated round the corner and it spoke:

“How do you like this one?”

“Nice!” he blurted before he could come in control of his tongue. He felt like biting it off.

“I have a surprise for you, I think you’re going to like it!” Her eyes lit up as she took him by the hand and led a very meek young boy into her domain.

“Come, have a look!” With a sparkle in her eye she pulled him behind a dusted room divider.

“So? What do you think?”

Ben was flabbergasted. His legs turned to jelly and he nearly fell to his knees. His arms started quivering yet he could not pull his eyes away from the object in question.

“It’s yours… well, for the day anyway.” Slowly the words started to sink in. What does she mean: “It’s mine?”

Linda released his hand and stepped behind the divider.

“Come on, put it on you silly, we haven’t got all day you know!”

But… but… I’m a boy! Boy’s don’t wear such ridiculous things, he thought. Yet…

“Make up your mind already, I’m waiting.”

Hypnotized, Ben stuck out his hand ever so slowly, touching the warm softness, caressing the lace overlay and drinking it all in with unblinking eyes.

“Hurry up!” came the impatient cry from behind the divider.

He found himself inadvertently pulling it off the hanger, then clumsily trying to hang onto it as he pulled his t-shirt and shorts off. As the soft material cascaded down over him a mighty counter ripple ran up his young body, emanating from his toes and culminating its powerful surge in the follicles of his hair. His whole body reverberated from the resonance induced by these two mighty frequencies intersecting halfway up his young body. He had never ever felt like this before but somehow he knew he’d been hooked.

“You finished yet?”

Ben managed to pull his leaden legs round the divider very ungracefully.

“About time… You look lovely my dear, now let’s have some tea! It must be cold by now.”

It sounded like it was an everyday occurrence seeing him in a dress. It set him at ease. Ben plonked down in his chair, his dress was all over the place.

“First off, let me teach you how to sit down properly.”

She stood up and proceeded to sweep her dress in underneath her as she sat down as elegantly as a seven year old could manage.

“See! Try that… Go on.”

Ben pulled himself up and decidedly less elegant flopped back down on his hands. At least he managed to not teeter on yards of material underneath him anymore.

“That’ll have to do for now. You know what? Yesterday I was thinking, it would be lovely to have that boy come…”

Ben had lost her again, he only had eyes for her now and didn’t even notice her dress any more… Odd, he thought to himself…

*****

Ben eventually did find his tongue after enigmatically stumbling to the warehouse daily. Ben and Linda became inseparable that summer. Every day Linda brought a different surprise for him and the tea parties expanded to theatrical productions. It was all good until one day…

“You little pervert!” Ben whipped his head around as he heard his mother speak. But how… how could she have managed to pull her decidedly more generous frame through the opening without making a noise? How did she know? And who was she speaking to?

“Turning my boy into a little girl. You pervert!” she continued.

Linda… a pervert? What is a pervert anyway? It sounded bad, so how could she call her that, Ben thought.

“And you… you… get out of that dress right know young man! Young lady, you run on home and never ever come near my boy again! Do you understand?” It felt as if she over-emphasized the word “boy” to Ben.

He did not dare speak up against his mother for he knew there would be hell to pay if he did. He just ran in behind the divider as quickly as he could, pulled off the dress and threw his own clothes back on. When he came round he saw no trace of Linda, she had gone and he knew instantly that he probably would never see her again. He did as his mother commanded but his heart bled profusely… He didn’t care about the dress, but he knew he had lost his best friend…

******

“Ben, is that you?”

Ben could not remember when last he heard his name sound so sweetly. Abruptly he turned. Could it really be that this vision knew him from somewhere? Somehow beautiful women normally tended to avoid him. Well, to be fair, most woman avoided him. There was something strangely familiar about her though.

“It’s me… It’s… Linda!”

“Linda!?”

“Don’t you remember? The old warehouse… The tea parties… The…” She was almost pleading now.

“Wow… Linda! Is it really you? I… I can’t believe it!” Ben cut in before she could say something silly in front of other inquisitive ears.

“Yes! At first you seemed familiar but I didn’t want to impose. But then I saw your name on the registration form and I just knew! How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. But you… you’ve become a knockout!” Ben could not help but wonder if the shoe was on the other foot, if he would have recognized her. He always thought boys just grew into men but girls had this knack of transforming into womanhood, making it neigh on impossible to recognize them if you lost touch.

“Well… Let’s finish up this registration and have some coffee, unless you have something else on?” Linda inquired politely.

“I would love that.” Ben could not think of anything he would not put off to be with this woman. They talked for hours on end. About their lives, their hopes, their dreams. It was a magic moment lost in time. Finally it became time to say goodbye. Ben sighed, glad that she didn’t inquire about the dresses. He did not want to spoil this, he had a shot at being with the woman he had always dreamed of, and he did not want to ruin it. They went out again and every time things just seemed to click. Ben was happy that Linda avoided asking about the dressing. Maybe she thought it was just a silly little thing kids do and that he had probably outgrown it. He was happy to let her think that way, scared she might drop him like a hot potato if the contrary became known.

“Do you still wear dresses?” The question came out of the blue one night as they ate out. It hit Ben like a ton of bricks and he was momentarily stunned.

“No… No, that was just kids’ stuff.” was all he could muster. Ben could not see her reaction as she was distracted by a waiter walking past.

“Oh… just thought I’d ask.” Could it really be that there was a hint of disappointment in her voice? No, Ben thought, I must be mistaken.

With that the conversation ended. Ben was sure he’d made the right response but something about Linda seemed different from that moment on. They continued to see each other though and the relationship grew.

******

It was the first night Linda visited Ben at his place. She had to think of an excuse to get him out of the apartment for a while so she could do some snooping. She felt guilty about it but she just had to know whether Ben was upfront with her. Seeing that he had no wine, she enquired, and Ben was only too keen to run down to the convenience store to get some. She knew she did not have much time but made the most of it, being very careful to put everything back in its place. She could not find any trace of a secret life. She had to hand it to Ben, if he did, he was expert at hiding it.

The next day she had to fly out of town very early for business. Her mind was a mess. It felt as if things weren’t going anywhere. Somehow the relationship wasn’t deepening the way it should when two people spend that much time together. She felt shut out and decided it would be best to break things off with Ben when she got back. She ran out the door of Ben’s apartment and saw the elevator door was just about to close.

“Hold the door please!” she called out.

She ran in and the door shut behind her. An elderly lady, on her way to walk her numerous dogs, studied her up and down. She felt a bit uncomfortable but eased off when the lady spoke up.

“You know, that nice young man you frequented doesn’t get a lot of lady visitors…”

She was a bit taken aback by the forthrightness of the mature lady.

“…but I can tell he likes you.”

“Why?” she blurted flabbergasted.

“When a man goes through that much effort to clean his apartment before his female company arrives, it’s a sure sign that he likes her. I saw him carrying numerous boxes down to his garage yesterday.”

The elevator doors opened and Linda exited at the older ladies prompt, then stopped and turned on her heels.

“Excuse me, why did you refer to Ben as a nice young man?”

“My dear, unlike most young ones these days, he still has manners.”

What an old sweetie! Linda thought as she left the building. Maybe she would give Ben one more chance.

******

“I lied.”

“What?”

“I lied Linda… I do still dress… I mean I do still wear dresses.”

“I know.”

“What? … How?”

“That’s a story for a different day.”

“But… I thought if you knew, you know, that I hadn’t outgrown it, you wouldn’t want to be with me.”

“Yet here I am.”

“Indeed you are… You know, I just wanted so bad to live up to the expectation I thought you had of me. I see the way other men act around you. You could have most any man you want. Why on earth would you want to be with weird little Ben who likes to wear dresses?”

“Brenda.”

“What?”

“We’ll call you Brenda, then it won’t be so weird anymore.”

“It just got a fair bit weirder!”

“Let me tell you a story Ben. Maybe that will put things into perspective.

A long time ago there was a little girl called Linda. Linda struggled to make a connection with the other girls in the neighbourhood. Besides, there weren’t that many to go round and all of them seemed to be paired off. So Linda often found herself running around alone in the woods next to the deserted old warehouse. One day Linda found a way into the old warehouse and proceeded to deck out an empty office with some of her stuff. She had tea parties with Mr. Wiggles, her teddy bear, but for some reason she longed for a real person to connect with.

One day Linda was on her way to have another tea party. Some boys ran past her into the woods. Intrigued she followed at a safe distance, hoping they wouldn’t spot her. At the front an older boy seemed to determine proceedings. He ran, he jumped, he hung from.. and swung from trees. The other boys tried to keep up, but most failed… He was magnificent…”

Ben cut in as Linda paused for a moment.

“His name’s Chris. His my brother and if he wasn’t married, I’d give you his number.”

“Shhh… My story.” Linda put a finger to her lips before she continued.

“He was magnificent… The lanky slightly goofy one trying, but mostly failing, to emulate. After a while, as the others ran off somewhere else, he gave up and flayed himself down dispirited under a tree. I watched him for a while and could see that he was daydreaming.

Then he got up and engaged in some decidedly less physical games. I could not hear his mutterings but it looked like he was engaging in some form of role play. He seemed to skip between parts and from his manner I could tell the one was a girl! … Could I? Should I dare approach him? Maybe I needed something to lure him in. He flopped down on the grass next to the tree, pulled out a Pez dispenser from his pocket, and proceeded to empty it. So… she thought, he likes sweets… ”

“So you had it all planned. I had no idea you could be that conniving.”

“Why? I came to you with a bag of sweets wanting to be your friend. The dress I wore was my mother’s idea. She made me put it on that morning saying she was tired of always seeing me in shorts and a T. I was so upset with her because I thought it would ruin everything. That you would just think me some silly girl in a pink dress. I had no idea it would turn out to be the clincher. How surprised my mom must have been to see me in a dress again the next day!”

“And the next… and the next…”

“I think she was so glad to see me in dresses, she didn’t even notice my laundry doubled! But how did your mother find out Ben?”

“Simple really. After a while my brother noticed I wasn’t running behind him anymore, so he followed me. Mostly I covered my tracks, but that day I was running late. You know him, he climbed onto the roof of the warehouse and saw us through a window. Told my mom and the rest was history. I don’t hold it against him anymore, or my mom for that matter. I suppose they just did what they thought was right, and you can’t fault them for that. After that day my parent’s watched me like a hawk and I rarely got to dress, but for some rare occasions. The thrill was still there, but I suppose it was now laced with feelings of guilt. After I left home and I gained freedom and independence it all came back and I started dressing more frequently. That’s my story in brief.”

Ben had spoken openly and honestly feeling comfortable that there was no judgement from Linda.

“I am amazed that you can be so forgiving towards your family. Do you still feel guilty?”

“Sometimes I do, but mostly I suppose I’ve come to terms with it. Linda, now that we’ve been reunited, I understand the reason why things worked out the way they did. If we’d grown up together chances are we’d just have ended up being best friends, nothing more.”

“My story doesn’t read any more exciting. I cried all the way as I ran home that day. In the following days I proceeded to remove all my stuff from the warehouse. Hoping against hope that I would see you there, but knowing deep in my heart that I wouldn’t. After a while, we moved to a different town and it was only then that I realized I would probably never see you again. But, as you know, life goes on and it will hit you with another twist or turn along the way. But, eventually, things do have a way of working themselves out somehow. That’s why I believe there’s a reason you were in front of me in that registration queue and something about you seemed so familiar.”

“But why, Linda? Why…? Why do you fancy me above the other boys if you know that I wear… well… dresses?”

“Honestly Ben I don’t know. I suppose it just gives you an air of vulnerability that they don’t have. It kind of takes the edge off. Seeing you in that dress that very first day you just seemed to be at ease with yourself. Besides, you looked cute, and I bet you look even cuter now!”

“Linda!… But… but, doesn’t that make you kind of a lesbian?”

“I tried that… Once… Suffice to say, it wasn’t really for me. I like boys and in particular a certain one who likes to wear dresses. I suppose it’s just the first of all the little peculiarities you’ll uncover in time if you decide to hang around. So now that all the cards are on the table, will you dress for me some time?”

“I’d be happy to and I look forward to learning more of your peculiarities. Word of warning though, I don’t do just dresses anymore.”

“Pervert!” She teased.

“If you can handle a world of lingerie, stockings, corsets, wigs and heels you can handle me.”

“Bar the corsets, it’s not a world a modern girl is unfamiliar with, you know.”

******

So it transpired that they rekindled what had been many years before. They grew ever closer and shared interests on many other levels as well.

One day they sat down in a restaurant in that comfortable quiet characteristic of a couple at ease with each other and their relationship.

“I have something to ask you.” Linda spoke up first.

“That sounds serious. Please proceed.”

“Will you be my maid for a day?”

Wow, in just a couple of words she had managed to turn his whole world upside down. It was all out there now and he struggled to gather his thoughts. He took a deep breath and stared out the window. Things were headed in the wrong direction…

“No… no, I can’t. I admit it is tempting, but no, I can’t. I’ve seen those stories on Storysite where the hero ends up way deeper than he ever imagined. That is not what I want for us.”

He looked back at her and saw the look of playful exuberance had made way for a profound seriousness. Could it really be that his Linda, the woman he loved and cherished, was nothing more than one of those self same domineering women from the stories who would stop at nothing to viciously subjugate their victim? He did not want to lose her, yet he did not want to end up in that kind of relationship. He did not know whether to run or cower. She firmly took his hands in her own and looked him straight in the eye.

“I’m going to be forthright with you and tell you exactly where I see our relationship headed.”

“Run!” he thought. He was fearful of this intimidating figure he thought he loved only minutes ago. What was she capable of? She was taking control in no uncertain terms and he was powerless to stop it. He knew he had to run but all he ran out of was time…

“I’ve decided to lay it all out on the table…”

Here it comes! he thought, but his legs had turned to jelly.

“I love you. I want to be with you. I want to marry you. I want you to father my kids. I want you to be a father to my kids. My question…? It was a test. I wanted to see if all you were interested in was playing dress up games all day. Or, whether you’d live up to what I’d hoped you would… You’ve passed the test Ben, now all you need to do is decide whether you want to oblige or not.”

The silence was only broken when she spoke again.

“But when the kids are away visiting the grans’ for a weekend, I want you in a dress, any dress… and heels for that matter.”

Or don’t run! Now everything really was out there. He turned quiet. Now it was her time to be fearful. Maybe it was just a bit much laying it all on him at once. Just as she was about to rephrase, in a desperate attempt to somehow soften the impact, he spoke putting a finger to her lips.

“Don’t… You’ll spoil it. Do not mitigate the profoundness of the thoughts you just spoke. Linda, I love you. I’ve always loved you. From the very first moment I saw you under that tree, it’s always been you. When my mom caught on, I was shattered. Because I could not dress anymore? No! Because I lost the one thing that mattered in my life and that was you. Now I only want to be with you. I want to marry you. Have as many kids with you as you want. Raise them with you. That is what I want for us. There is nothing in this world that I want more than to oblige…”

He paused for a while.

“… and on the odd one of those odd weekends that I find myself in a dress. I will sit you down, make you some tea and disappear. And just as you feel like calling out impatiently, I will waft round the corner, lightly lift my dress as I curtsy my mistress for the day.”

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